So many has been asking for arrangements, so I thought I'd post it here.....we have viewing tonight, but theres viewing tomorrow...Thursday from10am to 8pm...the burial in Fuller cemetry @ 2 on Friday. This is all @ Cornerstone.
Thanks to both your comments on my last blog. Your words were so kind ...I am blessed to have such family and friends.I will blog more later...love ya all!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Dear Lord....
Well, something I thought would never happen has happened. My dad (my real dad) died yesterday of a massive heart attack. I found out soon after I took my cardio test.(which I made an A on, btw) Ironic??
I really had so many people be so nice to me. Practically my whole family had found out and was trying to get someone to find me and tell me before I found out on my own. My family is so good. Most everyone knows that the relationship I had with my dad wasn't a very good one. I have called several times over the years, but he has never came through for me. I always thought that one day he would come around....after all, he does have 3 wonderful grandchildren. I thought that maybe when I graduated he would come, or maybe when we bought a house and moved. I always thought that one day...one day. Well, it's not gonna happen. He is gone forever. I know that I did everything reasonably expected from me and then some. But I can't help but wonder...why didn't I push a little harder? why didn't I try just one more time? why couldn't/wouldn't he step up and do the right thing? My feelings are all over the board with this one. I am angry, I am sad, I am hurt...I am so hurt! I have always felt like I am a strong person...it takes a whole lot for my feelings to be hurt. Not just anyone can hurt my feelings...it takes someone close. In the past when I worried about him dying I always thought I would be a little sad, but I would get over it quickly. All I can say is that's not the way this is happening. I am upset way beyond what I expected. Right after finding out he died, I found out that oh yeah, by the way, he got married last week. PLEASE!!! He gets married and tells no one in the family......no one. Not me, not my uncle. Did he lose his mind? Does he not care enough about this woman to introduce her to the family? Does he not care enough about her to introduce her to us? That hurts too. I know this woman is probably grieving for a lost husband, but she can not be grieving any more than I am. My dad did die, but I also lost the opportunity to ever have a relationship with him. So, Lord help me through this. I am in this last semester of school and am so close! I don't know how I am going to handle all this. We are making arrangements this morning and I wonder if I have the right to even be there. I mean I know I have the right, I am his only child....I know I have the right, but did he even care who makes these decisions? Did he ever really care about anything at all? Did he really even care if I have anything to do with it. Did I mention I am angry too??
I really had so many people be so nice to me. Practically my whole family had found out and was trying to get someone to find me and tell me before I found out on my own. My family is so good. Most everyone knows that the relationship I had with my dad wasn't a very good one. I have called several times over the years, but he has never came through for me. I always thought that one day he would come around....after all, he does have 3 wonderful grandchildren. I thought that maybe when I graduated he would come, or maybe when we bought a house and moved. I always thought that one day...one day. Well, it's not gonna happen. He is gone forever. I know that I did everything reasonably expected from me and then some. But I can't help but wonder...why didn't I push a little harder? why didn't I try just one more time? why couldn't/wouldn't he step up and do the right thing? My feelings are all over the board with this one. I am angry, I am sad, I am hurt...I am so hurt! I have always felt like I am a strong person...it takes a whole lot for my feelings to be hurt. Not just anyone can hurt my feelings...it takes someone close. In the past when I worried about him dying I always thought I would be a little sad, but I would get over it quickly. All I can say is that's not the way this is happening. I am upset way beyond what I expected. Right after finding out he died, I found out that oh yeah, by the way, he got married last week. PLEASE!!! He gets married and tells no one in the family......no one. Not me, not my uncle. Did he lose his mind? Does he not care enough about this woman to introduce her to the family? Does he not care enough about her to introduce her to us? That hurts too. I know this woman is probably grieving for a lost husband, but she can not be grieving any more than I am. My dad did die, but I also lost the opportunity to ever have a relationship with him. So, Lord help me through this. I am in this last semester of school and am so close! I don't know how I am going to handle all this. We are making arrangements this morning and I wonder if I have the right to even be there. I mean I know I have the right, I am his only child....I know I have the right, but did he even care who makes these decisions? Did he ever really care about anything at all? Did he really even care if I have anything to do with it. Did I mention I am angry too??
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