Well, something I thought would never happen has happened. My dad (my real dad) died yesterday of a massive heart attack. I found out soon after I took my cardio test.(which I made an A on, btw) Ironic??
I really had so many people be so nice to me. Practically my whole family had found out and was trying to get someone to find me and tell me before I found out on my own. My family is so good. Most everyone knows that the relationship I had with my dad wasn't a very good one. I have called several times over the years, but he has never came through for me. I always thought that one day he would come around....after all, he does have 3 wonderful grandchildren. I thought that maybe when I graduated he would come, or maybe when we bought a house and moved. I always thought that one day...one day. Well, it's not gonna happen. He is gone forever. I know that I did everything reasonably expected from me and then some. But I can't help but wonder...why didn't I push a little harder? why didn't I try just one more time? why couldn't/wouldn't he step up and do the right thing? My feelings are all over the board with this one. I am angry, I am sad, I am hurt...I am so hurt! I have always felt like I am a strong person...it takes a whole lot for my feelings to be hurt. Not just anyone can hurt my feelings...it takes someone close. In the past when I worried about him dying I always thought I would be a little sad, but I would get over it quickly. All I can say is that's not the way this is happening. I am upset way beyond what I expected. Right after finding out he died, I found out that oh yeah, by the way, he got married last week. PLEASE!!! He gets married and tells no one in the family......no one. Not me, not my uncle. Did he lose his mind? Does he not care enough about this woman to introduce her to the family? Does he not care enough about her to introduce her to us? That hurts too. I know this woman is probably grieving for a lost husband, but she can not be grieving any more than I am. My dad did die, but I also lost the opportunity to ever have a relationship with him. So, Lord help me through this. I am in this last semester of school and am so close! I don't know how I am going to handle all this. We are making arrangements this morning and I wonder if I have the right to even be there. I mean I know I have the right, I am his only child....I know I have the right, but did he even care who makes these decisions? Did he ever really care about anything at all? Did he really even care if I have anything to do with it. Did I mention I am angry too??
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3 comments:
Ok girl, this is gonna be hard but you have to find some peace or it will drive you nuts. You will go through stages and this first stage is anger and you have every right to be! I tried to put myself in your dads shoes. Even though I would never neglect my relationship with Hayden I have done things that I am shamefull for and it always seems the easiest thing to do is to turn and run and not face the truth or to try and make things right. So, what I'm trying to say is that you stay angry as long as you need to and when the time is right, God will carry you to the next stage which will probably be questioning/trying to reason stage and then on to the last stage wich is healing/peace.
Just remember you are Strong and you have a family that is praying for you. Brian got me my bible when I graduated high school and on the inside flap he wrote...."this book holds the answer to all lifes problems" so spend time with Him and in His word and He'll sustain you. I learn each day that its "all about Him" and Not about me. I love ya and will be praying for you. If you need me just call. Love ya!
ok so you know if anyone I completely understqand the dad situation. I was there with you those years not knowing my father and him not being in the picture. I finally decided to find my dad in 2006.I had to make peace with the fact that I tried even if he didn't. Well we talked and he was so ashamed of not being there that he never tried to contact me. We talked for about 3 months. I was supposed to meet him for the first time face to face in Dec 06. He died of a massive heart attack the 3rd week of Nov 06 two days after his 52nd birthday. I was so upset. I never got to stand in front of him, hug him, or just look in his eyes. I did get to hear him tell me he was sorry for not being there for me, but he could never tell me he loved me. With all that said, I know exactly how you are feeling. The only thing I can tell you is take the time to morn your loss... don't think you don't have time! It will make things worse in the long run. Take my advice... I learned the hard way. I love you and will be praying for you. Please call me and let me know the arrangements.
Sherry,
I too had an estranged relationship with my dad for many years. Kind of the same situation with a step mother(or second wife). She was never any kind of mother to me. Anyway, I was able to have a healthy relationship with him after I had children. He died at 57 years of age with a kidney disease. But I think I do know where you are and I will be lifting you up in prayers. My husband worked with your dad and in July '07 when our first grand child was born he tried talking to your dad about the joy of grandchildren. I'm sure he always "meant to". Proverbs tells us "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth." Just love on your kids and know God will give you peace. I am praying for you.
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